Tuesday, December 03, 2002

entry four: letter to you [reprint]

(NOTE: The following entry is also taken from my old online journal. It's a letter that expresses to 'you' how much you mean to me. It was written in May of 2002.)

"Hey You,

-- What's goin' on? Same as always here, just sitting around wondering where you are and what you're thinking about. Even though our time together has been short thus far, I know you are always there for me. You are the most caring, sensitive, sweet, and funny guy I know. You're what I've been waiting so very long to find. Love wasn't supposed to exist, not for me at least. I have always believed that love had passed me by and had long since forgotten me. Love is what I thought would complete me, but guess what, I was wrong. Well, to an extent. I needed to find that I was a great person alone, and yet, learn to love myself at the same time. It was then that I was able to love you. Love seemed a dream to me and was very much non-existent. Through myself, I'm coming to learn that love isn't all you need in life to be happy. Although, it is a very big major part and is definately one thing you need to feel wanted and happy. Caring about you came easily after I stopped thinking that I needed love to survive. You also helped show me that a big deal. Being my friend was the one thing that I needed, and you came along at just the right moment in my life. I guess fate was ready to show me how much more compassionate life is by bringing you to me. They say good things come to those who wait, I didn't want to wait mind you, but I had no other alternative. So there I sat, day-after-day, waiting a long time for you to approach my life and touch my soul. I did quite a lot of yearning for you and yet, I wasted time thinking I needed you to live. Granted, you are a big part of my heart, but you weren't what I needed to realize that I'm unique and special. It means a lot that you think of me constantly and have made me a special part of your life as well. It seems strange how getting to know myself has made me more mature than I ever imagined. Yet, I can still think so fondly of you and be totally greatful to have you in my life. You, yourself, are very important to me and help make me who I am today. You are the one person I will never take for granted. I am who I am today, in part, by you're understanding and taking the time to get to know me for me and not some sexual object or desire of lust. My attraction to you wasn't fatal, but it was the something I have never felt before; blossoming love. It took its fair share of time to fully bloom, and now that it has, you're the most beautiful flower I've ever seen. You're a special kind, the kind that only grows in the greenest fields, that are only found in the rays of heaven. In the beginning, I was afraid to trust you. You know my heart has been broken many a times, and yet, you still helped me mend and trust you whole-heartedly. I had to learn all guys weren't dishonest and untrusting. As well as unable to devote themselves to someone else faithfully. You were what it took to show me that. I am so glad you proved my thoughts and feelings wrong. You've been very understanding and you listen to me; something I value a lot. You comfort me when I'm down and make me realize that things WILL get better. I thank God for you being there for me and I will never forget what you've done for me. When we're together, I feel complete and very happy. Happiness is me with you and I'm learning to care more about you each and every day that passes. You are mine and I am yours. I love you...""

(**The above letter isn't addressed directly to anyone, it's just something I want YOU to know when I find you.**)

Monday, December 02, 2002

entry three: [part I & II]: losing it all..

(NOTE: The entry below, [part I], is a previous entry I had on another journal I used to have online. It is NOT recent and has been almost a year since I wrote this one. I was still living in Danville, VA back home, my parents had yet to confirm my sexuality, and I had had my first boyfriend Robbie. An update to this entry, [part II], is posted below.)

[part I]: july 2001 - how it all began..

"Sup all? Not too much going on w/ Lucky today. It's raining outside and though, I usually like rain and thunderstorms (they're the best!), I can't help but feel a little down and out. It's really not what I like to feel but I find myself feeling this way somewhat often. I mean, being without a group of social friends to hang with regularly and no boyfriend in my life since November 2001, it gets a lil' lonely at times. I know this is really kinda silly but I just recently learned to love myself for who I am and WHAT I am. I have always been told that to love another you must first learn to love yourself. I took a lot of time to figure out that, yes, it's true. You have to love yourself; regardless of how you look, act, and live. I used to feel I wasn't cute enough and that there was something wrong with me. I blamed myself for my not having a boyfriend and not having many friends at all. I know now, that's not true at all. Love comes with time, and although I've had my fair share of guys into me and wanting to date me, I just haven't found the one I click with completely and fully to devote myself whole-heartedly. As for friends, I have some, very few in my hometown due to last August when I was outed by this 38y/o mentally ill guy who fell for me while I lived with him and my best friend, Anthony; who happened to be this guy's nephew. I lived with him for about a month, introduced him to Gay.Com and its chatrooms and finally, confessed to him about myself in total confidence. Shortly after that, this guy was totally obsessed with me and way too overprotective so I decided to move back home and covered my move the best I knew how. That wasn't good enough. He called daily, sometimes four and five times, telling me I'd never make it at home and I'd never be happy, begging me to come over and to hang with him. I did a few times and on one occasion, he almost refused to take me back home. (FYI: He was a mentally-ill patient because once a month he had to travel to Martinsville, VA (his hometown), to get his prescriptions.) Anyways, a friend of mine, Matt, who I met while living there, offered to let me live him him outside of town for a bit to give things time to blow over. As expected, things only got worse from June and July. Then, it happened. I received a phone call from my sister telling me my so-called best friend was at the mall, telling her and everyone who knew me and who we both hung with, that I was a "faggot" and I confessed to his uncle. That was the last straw for me. Rumors had already been circulating that I was gay and no one ever had proof. Well, when that came out, it was all my "friends" needed to turn their backs completely on me...and that, they did. So, now I'm just about completely alone in Danville, with very few real friends at all. That would explain why I'm always online and trying to meet new people. I just want to get back some of what I lost and continue to move on and start over in a positive and productive way. I just don't understand why the gay community is all about sex, sex, and even more sex. You can rarely find a hand full of people online seeking just normal friendships and if anything romantic produced along the way, it'd be awesome. Ya know what I mean? Sure, I've done a lot of hookups (been through that phase, and sure, Im human; so occasional slip-ups do occur), had my very first HIV testing in the past month, had a drug addict for a first boyfriend, and dealt with a shitload of drama along the way. All of which I learn from each encounterance and try to mature from it. It's all you can do; learn from it and leave it in the past and try not to let it effect you. I think I've said enough for now, but I'll leave you with one last, but difficult question. "Where are all the sweet, kind, considerate, normal, but yet, cute bois at?""

[part II]: june 2002 - betrayal of a sibling..

When I arrived in High Point, NC this past Summer, a year later, things were fine. My family didn't suspect that I was really anything other than straight. At least not to my knowledge. What was only supposed to be a weekend visit to a friend in High Point, turned into being three weeks as my friend was working and couldn't find the time to take me back home. Through that time I got to know the six, yes SIX other people he lived with. Savvas; the eccentric gothic owner of the house, who is a really big sweetheart, (He's the one who pierced my tongue in August), Terri; an extremely talented witch (seriously, she's a witch), Mike; a bisexual 18y/o (who occasionally likes to dress as a female and go out in public..weird, ya.. but I love 'em), Chris (Big-Gay-Chris); a really tall skinny princess who is a very caring and understanding person, Wax (it's his nickname..real name is Jason), a str8 guy who's very protective of his homo-friends and a real big tough guy, and Amy; (who's a stripper at a gentleman's bar in Winston-Salem, NC called Filly's), a really pretty young woman who has a lot to offer anyone to whom she chooses (like a sister to me). I came to know all of these people really well in the first few weeks I was there..and while I was there... my friend Travis, the one who brought me down, got evicted for being behind rent by 4 months. It didn't matter Chris was going to give me a ride back to Danville on his day off that week. Besides Travis decided in the few weeks I was there that he didn't want to be friends with me after Nick was into me and not him. Travis was a very jealous and manipulative person. I came to find this out when he turned on me over a boi. Anyways, after those weeks of getting to know Nick, I made a decision. I wanted to be with him. So I asked him to be my boyfriend. Of course he said yes. He was so hung up on me, I knew he would *winks*. Then it all happened. I was online about a day or two later and chatting with my sister on AIM and decided to confide in Mandy and tell her the truth about me and also about Nick and I. It was a very hard decision to make but I decided for it and told her. She took the news quite well, being she had had her suspicions all along and was happy for Nick and myself. I was so relieved but swore her to secrecy and to not tell anyone that the rumors about me were true, especially our parents. A day or so later, I'm online checking my e-mail when Mandy IM's me and tells me that she told our parents. She felt it was their right to know what was going on with me and my life. They were furious and so was I. They decided that if I was gonna live my life this way that I couldn't live it in their home. I was kicked out and all due to my sister, my baby sister, the only other sibling I have. I was told if I didn't come and collect my belongings that they would throw them in Goodwill and had planned to paint my room pink so that I'd never come home *sighs*. Upset and shaken, I told my new friends and my newly-found boyfriend the truth. Nick, after hearing everything, drew up his own plan and went and had a talk with Savvas. After a long talk and goals set in mind for a job, Savvas decided to let me move in the house and become the newest roommate. I was so relieved. One, I had a place to live that I knew I'd love and two, I'd be closer to Nick to see him whenever I wanted. Although it hurt me by my family's actions, I knew I'd be loved where I was moving to. That was my mindset back then. I was happy to be with Nick but unhappy that my parents abandoned me because I was different. ...and very unhappy that my lil sister decided to turn her back on me. :(

......and that was how I officially lost it all, I was outed and lost my family, friends, and loved ones.
entry two: birthdays are about love and celebration, right?

October 11th, 2002 - 12:30 AM. I was 19, I was in Charlotte, NC and I was happy. Happy for the first time since my ex-boyfriend Nick, the only guy I've ever loved, and I had broken up. I had been in Charlotte since shortly after the breakup in early August and after a while, had met this amazing guy from Statesville, David. David had been the first to come along since Nick to make me smile and make me fill with butterflies at the mention of his name. His smooth and handsome good looks, charming personality, and sparkling sense of humor made me become infatuated. Those are what drew me in. I was totally blissful being with David; still taking things slow while dating and being with each other. Although, in my heart, I was still getting over the hurt of Nick's and my breakup....

<*flashback*> June 2002: Upon being outed at home to my parents, I moved in with friends in High Point, NC after being thrown out. I met Nick. He had been my second boyfriend, and the most powerful relationship I'd ever had, male or female. And although he was only almost 18, he was very mature for his age. Hell, I was only 19. Our relationship was great, full of honesty and love, until his senior year of high school was about to start. That's when he began questioning whether or not he really wanted to be in a committed relationship while in school, and at that time, still being closeted to his parents and friends at school. It was at that time, no matter how hard it was for me, that I knew I had to let him go. He was my 'Bashful' and I would always love him. I couldn't get over him and even tried to desperately get him back in my life, as my own again, only to fail over and over again. That's when I had the opportunity to come to stay with my friend Ron, in Charlotte. Leaving my friends in High Point, as well as leaving Nick, was very difficult. In the weeks after the breakup and before the move to Charlotte, I met a few guys online to hangout with and although it caused Nick to believe I was out having sex with them all as a rebound sort of thing, it made him question my love for him. (At that time, Nick was considering his feelings and thinking of getting back together with me.) Knowing myself, that I was only going out to avoid seeing him, being that all my roommates were close friends of his and he was around everyday to see them. I was so angry and hurt by Nick's accusations that we didn't speak for weeks thereafter. I did have one rebound fling though, although I was pushed by friends to do it and that it would make me feel better I met a guy, Darrin, and fooled around with him. It did quite the opposite and made me dreadfully miserably and I regretted it and still do to this day. Nick had asked me if I had been with anyone else and hoping to get him back, and knowing it was none of his business, I said no. That didn't stay a secret for long when one of my roommates I had confided in told Nick the truth. Nick had every right to feel upset over my lie, but I even apologized over and over again and confessed to it being a mistake. Finally, on the day of my departure, he showed up at the house, and we sat down and had a heart-to-heart talk. The first major one since the breakup. He tells me he's going to miss me and that he still loves me and cares about me. He also admits that he shouldn't have gotten upset at my 'rebound' but it just hurt him to know that I was with someone else. Basically, Nick didn't want me any longer but didn't want anyone else to either. Reconcilliation? No, at that point, we had agreed to try to become friends. It was hard for me, but in a little time I was able to be on a friendly basis with him. That was the last I physically saw of Nick.... <*end of flashback*>

October 11th, 2002 - 12:45AM. David calls me from O'Charley's, where he works, and tells me he's on his way up to see me (Statesville is about 35min from Charlotte). I was excited. David and I had been together a short time but I already liked this boi a lot. He was helping me plan my 20th birthday party for that night and was excited to have met some of my friends when my roommate Ron and I took him to Sky Bar back up in Greensboro, NC (10min from High Point). My friends took to him quickly and liked him a lot. He knew that I had invited Nick to my party and had planned to show him up and admitted to being a little worried about how I would react if Nick showed up and decided he wanted me back. I told him, rest assured, that I was with him now and that Nick and I were in the past. I also confided that I still love Nick and always will have feelings for him. Anyways, I sat around until David finally showed up. I answered the door and there he was as always, greeting me with that trademark smile of his. He and I greeted the other with a hug and a kiss...and sat down together on the couch to watch TV. Somehow or the other, David and I ended up on the topic of ex-boyfriends. Then, all of a sudden, it hit. The question, the question that started it all. "How are you with your ex-boyfriends?" I looked at him, puzzled, and reminded him I told him of Nick's and my relationship. He basically wanted to know if I was still friends with my ex's and because when something happened to us, he still wanted to be my friend. That's when I began to worry and slowly figured it all out. (The day before, David had went up to Greensboro to see his ex-boyfriend Christien for the first time since their breakup) I took all of this into consideration and began to interrogate him with questions....

October 11th, 2002 - 1:50AM. I had been asking him all along why he asked me 'the question'. After dodging the bullet for a while, he finally admitted, that after seeing Christien again and spending time with him and his other friends, that he was still in love with him and that Christien wants him back. I was hit, once again, I was hit like a ton of bricks. David was ending our relationship the day before my birthday and the day of my birthday party. I was a wreck. So much went through my mind. How can I deal with a party that's supposed to be about fun and celebration when this has happened? What will I tell my friends when they ask about David? Nick knew about David and I, how would he react when he heard I was 'dumped'? As I felt the tears streaming down my face, I told David that I liked him but if he really feels he wants to be back with Christien that he needed to do so. He said he didn't want this to affect our friendship and I told him it'd take time but he probably would hear from me again..or maybe not. He had decided he was going back to Christien and I only had to do the thing I knew how; accept it and like Nick, let him go. David asked to hug me once more before he left and as he was leaving the apartment (it was decided he wouldn't show to the party) he looked back and said "happy birthday"...

October 11th, 2002 - 2:00AM - I break down and cry....

As I woke up later that day, after forcing myself to try and sleep, I decided to not let it destroy my birthday and to not think about what had just happened the night before. I phoned Ron at work and let him in on what had happened. All along, Ron had tried to convince me that David was young too and would hurt me...I didn't listen nonetheless. Ron was sympathetic but also agreed with me to push it aside and enjoy my friends and my birthday party that night. Later, after Ron got home we had a discussion further about David and then on to my party. My ex-roommate was the manager of a porn store and knew all about my relationship with Nick and knew he was a redhead. (Ron has a big fetish for redheads). Right there, Ron promised me that he respected my feelings and my friendship and swore he wouldn't make any passes at Nick that night when he was drunk. (Ron flirts a lot when drunk.) We later went out to Harris Teeter and bought party favors, and alcohol. I decided to use my last little bit of money from my check and buy myself a birthday cake for the party. (It's true. I had to buy my own cake this year. *sighs*)

Later on that night, friends of mine and Ron's started to show for my birthday. Ron's friends were invited because Ron doesn't know many of my friends and it would be good to get to know them as well. (Ron is 28y/o for those who are curious.) My friends from High Point and Charlotte were arriving and the next to last of those arriving included Nick. (It was a little weird to see him after all this time but I would deal.) Nick came up the stairs and into the apartment already trashed on a pill (percaset). He was acting all weird. Physically, he was like the old Nick was towards me. Hanging on me, flirting, dancing... telling people I was once his and he had claim on me.. (I thought it was cute then.) Later on though, he showed his childish side when he wasn't getting all the attention and started acting depressed and downing hisself (he had been drinking a lot by this point too) and saying everyone didn't like him. It really started to annoy me that he was being a jackass and on top of that, explaining about David was hard enough in itself to tell everyone. As the night went on, I was on the balcony with some people and the party had slowly started to die down. When I re-entered the apartment I found one thing odd. Nick and Ron had disappeared. I also noticed that two of my friends (who were a couple), Jessie and Josh, had too disappeared. Ron's bedroom door was closed. I got a little curious and tried to listen at the door and all I heard was ....silence. After 20-30 minutes later they all emerged as the last of my guests were leaving. I was saying most of my goodbyes when Ron approached me and asked to speak with me for a second. I agreed and we went into his room. He closed the door and told me how he didn't know why he did it and especially after just telling my friend Jessie that Nick wasn't his type even if he did have a thing for redheads. I asked him what he meant and that's when he told me. Jessie, Josh, and Ron had all been picking around with Nick when he came back to Ron's room to hang with them and used a toy vibrator to tease Nick with. Josh and Ron had taken off Nick's shoes and pants, while Jessie proceeded to stick the vibrator around his butt to make him squirm in his boxers. Well, shortly after, Jessie and Josh went into Ron's big walk in closet and closed the door to look through more of Ron's sex toys from the store... In that time, Ron and Nick ended up fooling around with each other..sexually, and Jessie and Josh eventually walked in on them. Ron told me that he told Nick, Jessie, and Josh that he was going to tell me and he did. I played off being ok, and just walked out of the room and onto the balcony. I was a still a little tipsy from the alcohol at that point and felt upset and betrayed.. I was so hurt. I still am as I think back to that night, even to this day.

As I was walking back up the stairs from saying goodbye to friends, Nick was coming out of the door and tried to hug me and say goodbye. I just pushed past him and slammed the door. I went to bed shortly thereafter....thinking about the days events and all that had happened in such a short amount of time. My last thoughts as I fell asleep that night were, "Happy 20th Birthday".
entry one: snow..buffalo...and fears?

Snow. All I see is snow. Looking out the window today, I see it. Finally; I've never really experienced snow, being that I'm from southwest Virginia. I've pictured in my head what this would be like many times, but never this beautiful...nor this cold. <*laughs*> For two weeks now, I've been in Buffalo, New York. My first time really ever being this far away from home..and it's much different as I knew it would be. I've never been outside of Virginia/North Carolina really...and this is my first major experience. Quite frankly, I don't feel too far from home, even if it is over 700 miles away from me. Right now, I wish it was much further than it is. A lot has happened to me the past few years and at this point in my life, so much has made me realize how I want to cut away from it all and leave it all behind and begin a new storyline; something that recreates me and changes me forever.

I've just turned 20, almost two months ago on October 12th, and so much already has changed since then. At that time I was living in Charlotte, NC and preparing to start life there and a whole new chapter in my life. I would have never thought that I'd be in New York almost two months later. Never. Now, completely done with my teenage years, I've reached a void of confusion in my life. Knowing I'm no longer a kid and that it's time to start thinking about my future, I need to decide what it is I want to offer this world with my presence. What I continue to ask myself is; what can Lucky do to make himself happy and others at the same time? At this point, I've seemed to make others happy, just haven't managed to make myself too genuinely happy in the past few months. I won't lie. I am hoping that New York would be a good start. Although, I've still had my ups and downs since being here, I still have high anticipation for it becoming a more positive outlook and helps to remember the past, but not let it control my mind or burden my life. And yet, I'm still scared, very scared. What if Buffalo only ends up being another wrong choice. What if it turns out to be like everywhere else I've been? I don't want to add another chapter of my life to the depressing section. I want to be happy and to make the right choices about what I do. I know that in life, my life, I have to take risks and chances. I also know that something has brought me here... to Buffalo, the suburb of Tonawanda, and to the state of New York. Its purpose? That, myself, I am not still sure of. I'm just hoping for the best and praying it's the beginning of the end for the non-stop rain I've been experiencing and the beginning of a break in the clouds..